The Next Step

Below extract from "A Deep Breath of Life" by Alan Cohen:

I have a formula for knowing if a next step is the right one for you. If you feel both excited and scared, that is it. If you're just excited and not afraid, there is no challenge, no stretching, no initiation; you are still in your safe zone, and growth is unavailable. If you're just afraid, there is no positive motivation. Why walk through a fear unless there is something you are walking toward? But if you are simultaneously turned on and frightened, do it and watch your growth skyrocket.

Final Pod & Companion update for now

Miracles occur naturally as expressions of love. The real miracle is the love that inspires them. In this sense everything that comes from love is a miracle.

- A Course in Miracles -

Through the window: The skies which Pod and her Companion will one day inhabit
*

This will be my final Pod update for a while ... until I hear she is flying free.

Every day the reports on her progress are more pleasing. She has apparently grown, is eating very well, looking better and is a lot stronger.

She and her green tanager companion are now, according to Detta, doing everything together: perching, begging, eating, etc. I wonder if they will stay together as a pair or instinctively return to their respective blue tanager/green tanager groupings once they are released.

God speed, Pod & Co.

Seek and find

The other day the blogger called Location Laura left a comment on my blog. Thereafter I checked hers out ... and then she invited me to do something, which I did.

Go to her page, scroll down and click on the icon to which you think I would most be drawn. If you know me it should be easy. There you'll find the result of what she asked me to do.

Pod's interracial relationship

Pod on her branch
Photo: Detta Buch

Apparently Pod (blue tanager) and the green tanager have been competing with each other for food. Both of them are voracious. When not being fed, they keep far from each other. The green tanager has not left the nest ... and Pod spends most of her time perched on a branch, keeping away from her room mate.

But given a little time, see how things can change ...

Photo: Detta Buch

Yesterday evening Detta called me to say that when she came home she headed straight for the cage to check on the birds. In the dark she couldn't see Pod. She fished her hand around and didn't feel her, so went to get her torchlight. The sight that met her eyes was a total surprise. See the above photo: Pod and the green tanager nestled in a bundle next to each other, fast asleep in the nest, keeping warm and cozy on a cold, rainy evening.

Update on how Pod is doing now

Yesterday I made the decision to take Pod to Detta's. Her parents were flying around, looking at me as I removed their offspring from the bush. I could feel their anxiety ... and hers. Her small body was trembling.

At Detta's advice I placed her in a dark, quiet (cushioned/lined) box with holes punched in it and put her in the car. As I drove down the road I thought of her parents and wondered: "Am I doing the right thing by taking her from them?" Then I remembered this quote: Doubt whom you will, but never yourself (Christine Bovee). It felt like the right thing for me to do.

When we arrived at Detta's, Pod was immediately given a 'nest mate' - a baby green tanager. According to Detta, Pod is too young to be out of the nest.

She was eating pieces of mango and worms from the tweezers, but we noticed that at times she seemed to be ingesting her food with some difficulty. Possibly an intestinal problem. Also, apparently she had not been getting enough food from her parents and was a bit dehydrated - hence her weakened state.

At moments she would nod off, looking quite sickly.
When she had been in the bush at home, I'd observed that she had packed, dry stool in her bottom. Detta used a wet Q-tip to gently remove the dried plug.

Once the hard plug was removed, the softer bits came out. The plug had most likely been preventing her from passing out whatever food she was taking in.

Once the anal area was clean, Detta pointed out that her abdomen looked a little strange - somewhat swollen, with a large white spot on it. Maybe distended due to food that had been unable to pass out due to the hard plug of stool? Perhaps she had been injured during her fall?

She was given antibiotics (for possible infection).

Pod looking more alert while the other bird (see blurry yellow beak in background) sleeps in the nest.

Pod's 'room mate' sleeping after a meal of worms and mango.

"One day I'll be able to eat mangoes on my own."
Detta cleaning and preparing a healing cage for Pod and her room mate.
Pod gazes out at the garden while her room mate dozes in the nest.

UPDATE AS OF THIS MORNING:
Detta says that Pod is doing much better, looking stronger and perkier. Her little cries are louder. She is being given small doses of antibiotics and a special food for debilitated birds. In fact, this morning as Detta mixed the food, Pod started picking at it of her own accord.

When she is able to fly, she will be released in her birthplace (the garden at home). I will be out of the country, so won't be able to see her victory flight ... but I'm sure it will be a great moment.

The Decision (re Pod)

The determined Jasper is finding ways of getting out of the house ... in full hunting mode. Luckily I saw his first attempt earlier and managed to catch him before he made his way to Pod's bush.

It crossed my mind this morning to take Pod to Detta's ... because of her fragile state, weak, labouring breath and because of Jasper's determined efforts and increasing displeasure with having to be confined. Plus, I will be traveling next week and Pod may not be airborne by then.

When I called Detta and told her how Pod was breathing, etc., she said that even though the parents were still around, she probably wasn't getting enough nutrients. She advised me to feed her mashed fruit, spiders (although now that I'm looking for spiders I can't find any) ... and to bring her in to WORC as soon as I can today.

There she will get secure round the clock care and will be released when it is time.

I'm going to give her some fruit and then take her in.

God speed, little Pod.

My wish for Pod

(l to r): Water on wall from pipe, Jasper, leafy car mat, Pod's bush

I let Jasper come out onto the driveway this morning. He headed straight for Pod's bush - like an arrow to a bullseye. How does he know that she's there? Can he smell her? Is it special feline intuition? Hunting radar?

I don't know how quickly these baby birds usually develop, but Pod seems to be taking a while. She has definitely advanced since the first day I found her (more feathers, slightly fuller body), but she's still small and somewhat fragile-looking. She must have been the runt.

Pod

She sits on the branch of her shrub (about two inches off the earth) and doesn't seem to move, other than blinking her eyes. When it rains, she shifts slightly along her branch and goes under one of the leaves for shelter. When I go near to her she doesn't react with any fear. She simply turns her head very slightly to look at me and sometimes instinctively opens her beak, thinking I'm bringing food. Even if I lift the leaves of the bush to look for her, she doesn't seem to be disturbed. Is it that she is peaceful and trusting ... or is she not well and has slow reflexes? I've never even seen her trying to flap her wings (as her bigger sibling, Pal, used to do when she was still around).

My wish is that Pod develops quickly and is soon able to go off on her own. I don't like keeping Jasper confined ... but I also don't like that once he's outside he heads straight for Pod.

Jasper, Pod and Pal

Since shooting this video yesterday, Pal seems to have flown, Pod is still on her little branch, Jasper is still inside.

Pod and Pal

Photo is blurry and kind of far off. I didn't want to get too close and scare them.

Yesterday morning Pod's parents were very active on the ground around Pod's pine tree. After a while of observing them I noticed a small creature jumping up and down, trying to fly. It was too big to be Pod. Moving closer I realised it was another fledgling (bigger and more developed) which the parents were feeding and teaching to fly. It was hopping about, jumping into bushes and stretching its wings ... not yet knowing quite how to use them.

Meanwhile Miss Pod was still on her branch.

I put bananas and a mango on the gate post for the parents and observed from a distance as they picked off bits of fruit to feed to the fledgling on the ground and Pod in the tree. It's fascinating to watch them. I could have stayed for ages, but had to go out with a friend.

We returned after midday and I immediately went to check Pod on her branch. There was no sign of her or the other fledgling.

Then something, perhaps a squeak, alerted my eyes downward. There were Pod and Pal (I'll call her Pal even though it's Pod's sibling), sitting quietly next to each other on a small bush just a few feet from Pod's pine tree. Their parents were not far off, watching protectively as usual. Amazing how Pod had come down so successfully from her branch and how she and Pal were able to find each other.

With them now on the ground hopping around and learning to fly, definitely Jasper is under serious lockdown. I feel sorry for him. But this morning when I let him out (under supervision), he headed straight for the bush where Pod was sitting (Pal has since moved - to where, I don't know). Clearly Jasper has bird radar.

Update on the baby bird

A blurry shot of the baby bird I rescued yesterday

Yesterday the baby bird spent the whole day perched on a branch hidden within the pine tree. This particular pine tree is a Podocarpus. When we were growing up we didn't have plastic Christmas trees. We always had a large cutting of a Podocarpus. So in a way, you could say that this little baby bird spent her day like a fragile decoration, hanging around on the Christmas tree.

I'll call her "Pod", short for Podocarpus.

Every now and then Pod's parents flew into the tree to bring her food ... and gently diverted any other birds who seemed to be flying too close to the pine.


Mr. J wasn't too happy about spending all day and all night indoors. Early this morning around four, he cried to be let out, so I opened the window for him, not really worrying about him finding Pod.

This morning when I went to check on her she was still there on her branch, wide awake, looking strong. I noticed that already her feathers seem to be growing. She's more blue in colour today. Her parents were on the power lines above me, looking down protectively.

Jasper was with me out on the driveway and I brought him in. For the next few days until Pod gets stronger and starts flying, I'll be keeping my eye on him. I don't mind him bringing me gifts since that's his nature ... but as much as I can help it, he won't be getting his claws on this little one.

Rescue Mission

This morning I was sitting in the driveway with Jasper, reading papers and eating watermelon. At one point we heard a sudden commotion in the ixora bushes lining the driveway. Jasper got up and ran in the direction of the squealing ... and so did I ... just in time to see Mr. J about to pounce on a baby bluebird that had fallen from its nest high in the palm tree above.

The parents were hovering around and swooping down on me as I tried to grab the determined Jasper (who is now locked in my room, sulking under the bed).

At the advice of Detta, I made a nest in an old basket, put the baby bird in it and placed it on a bush where the parents could see it.The parents looked frantic and worried, flying around and swooping at me as I moved their squawking baby. Obviously. Their child was no longer at home in the nest. She was lost and in the hands of a strange being. Perhaps because it's fresh in the news, looking at these frantic bird parents made me think of all the parents in Trinidad and Tobago whose children are missing ... or who were missing and have been found murdered ... or not found at all. A report in one of the daily papers stated recently that now Tecia has been found dead, "only 76 children are missing in Trinidad and Tobago."

Only???

I stepped away and allowed the parents to flutter around their baby's new nest. I saw them coming with mango in their beaks, to feed her.

However, she was on top of the ixora hedge in the open sun, which would surely fry her eventually. I put a cardboard box in the pine tree (more shaded) and tied it with blue string so it would be secure. Placed the basket nest with the bird in it, making sure that she cried out so the parents could hear and see me moving her. I even found an open, bird-picked mango, took off a little piece and the baby bird actually opened her mouth and accepted it from my fingers.

Once I put her in her new location, she seemed adventurous enough to hop out and went onto a branch. I'm sure she can fend for herself ... but I'll have to try as much as possible to keep Jasper inside.

And of course, as usual these animals bring a message ... Bluebird as Power Animal (modesty, happiness, enjoyment, etc.)

Update: According to Detta (who just saw the photos), it's a Blue Tanager (Thraupis episcopus)

Going to the cinema

The other day I went into an old cinema owned by a friend's family. The cinema has not been in operation for 5 years or more.

As we (me, my friend and four mutual friends) made our way together up the dusty stairs to the balcony and then into the interior, where we needed a torchlight to see anything, it was like walking back in time ... entering a forgotten shrine for film ... a museum chronicling parts of our cinema-going history.

It was fascinating for us and extremely nostalgic for my friend.

Reels upon reels of old film (which we each got one or two of) lay around, in boxes, on the floor, stacked away in small rooms ... old Indian movie posters ... years of thick dust settled on every available surface ... cobweb ... an old cinema ticket lying on the counter of what used to be the place to buy refreshments ... clues to a cinematic past.

Haunting. You could almost hear the sound emanating from the speakers ... the voices of movie goers filing in, babbling in the lobby ... their voices echoing 'VORRRRRRRRLUUUUUUUUME" from pit.

Old film reel

Heaven

Avocados are back in season and the ones I bought the other day are ripe.

Three photos

UPDATE:
It's official.
Melanie the Melon (after being transplanted) is no more.
But she enjoyed life while it lasted.

One sunflower seedling sprouted from the three planted recently.

This morning ... Sun shooting rainbow through crystal at window onto finger labyrinth on the floor of my room. The rainbow was just a little off centre and I shifted the labyrinth so that it fell as is in the photo.

Salt and blue food colouring

Is it true?

This site (I used to believe: The Childhood Beliefs Site) is interesting. As the name suggests, it's a collection of things people used to believe when they were children.

Some beliefs are introduced to us through others (e.g. wish on a shooting star and your wish will come true) ... and some beliefs we come up with ourselves. Children trust and believe in simple things in a way that (most) adults don't. But just because (most) adults don't, does that mean that what the child believes at the point of believing is not 'true' to him or her? When and why do we stop believing in certain things? And how did we feel in that moment of 'realisation'?

I'm sure I believed all kinds of things when I was small, but off the top of my head I can recall very few now. For the few I remember, I see ways in which they still somehow apply to my view of life today.

1. If we plant coins and water them every day they will grow. Our parents used to tell us 'money doesn't grow on trees'. Not believing them/wanting to prove them wrong, I planted coins in the front garden with my sister Kathryn. We constantly watered our little spot. Weeds eventually grew, leading us to believe that our coins were germinating. Maybe at some point we showed our parents the money trees and they told us they were weeds. I no longer believe that watered coins will grow into money trees, but I believe that we can use certain 'ritualistic' acts to empower and encourage us ... and also that if we attend to our intentions or focus on our dreams, they will manifest in some way ... not always as we envision, but definitely along the lines of this process.

2. We have zips hidden in our hair. We can zip down the centre of the body and step out of our skin. I remember as a very young child standing in the kitchen one day looking for the zip in my hair. I think this came about from my fascination with what makes us work. What makes me move? What operates me? How come my legs move and carry me? I have no plug, no electricity and no buttons to press to make me move and walk and talk. Something must be inside of me making me 'work'. I no longer believe in 'the zip', but I see the 'skin' as a covering for the inner self/Spirit, which is 'working' us in an unseen way.

3. There is a button in the centre of the forehead which you press to make the person go to sleep. I have the clear memory of a day when I was about six. My sister Vanessa had just been born and I think I must have been fascinated by her. She, mummy and I were at home. I remember being in the kitchen with mummy, hearing the baby start to cry and going into my parents' room where she was lying in her crib. I remember standing and looking at her crying, being curious about her, seeing her face getting red ... then taking my finger and pressing it gently into the middle of her forehead like a button. She immediately stopped crying and fell asleep. In my memory it feels like a long time that I had been staring at her crying ... but it must have happened quickly, because I guess if she'd been crying for a long time mummy would have attended to her. I no longer believe that there is an actual button in the forehead, but I know that area now to be 'the third eye' and to this day I still see it as a relaxing point to press on myself or another ... and it works. Also, it's a point to focus on in meditation.

I remember once our parents promised we would go to the beach. That day there was a bad tropical storm. My two sisters and I were highly disappointed. Daddy filled up the bathtub, put some salt and blue food colouring in the water and we happily splashed in 'the sea' as the storm raged outside.

Now as I write this, I'm aware that having grown up with simple moments like that, in addition to having had childhood 'beliefs' (especially as I can still see some kind of sense in those I remember today) must have contributed to me being a natural optimist and one who believes in the simple magic of Life.

Being human, of course there are times when I feel disgruntled, discouraged, sad, scared, insecure, unable, unhappy, apathetic, etc ... but whenever storms rage within and around, there's always salt and blue food colouring.

My first sari

I've always wanted a sari, but never got one. Yesterday at the Indian fair I was drawn to this particular one because of the colour. It's a colour I've come to like a lot and, whenever I wear it, people inevitably say: "That colour looks great on you." When I looked closer, I knew the sari was 'mine' because it has my tattoo all over it in gold. I don't know how to wrap it, but I have various friends who can show me.

The flowers along the bottom are very 'me' too. Interestingly, my tattoo (circle with dot in middle) and a flower merge to form the Happy Hippy logo. If you click here and scroll down, you will see it.

True Happiness

This is Life's promise to me .. picked out of a jar at a friend's party last night
*

(A friend sent this to me this morning):

The Universe has three answers to your requests...

1. Yes

2. Yes but not yet

3. No because something better is coming along

Loving the rain

I took this shot last year when I was film facilitator at the youth camp in Grande Riviere

*

I am alive today with the grey skies, cooler weather and rain! Some people thrive on heat and sun, but for me the last few days have been so parched and scorching, almost unbearable. I felt sluggish and unable/unwilling to leave the house unless absolutely necessary. I'm more of a cool weather girl.

Melanie the Miraculous Yoga Melon must be feeling quite like I am today. I transplanted her yesterday because she was rapidly outgrowing her pot. She is now in the earth with the other melons. When it's dry, they wither terribly and look as if they're beyond rescuing. But soon after I water them, they spring back up. Very responsive to water (no wonder they're watermelons) ... so I know they too are loving the rain.

I'll end off with today's soundtrack. A fantastic acoustic rendition by Annie and Dave ...

When the Spirit says ...

Head and Heart

I almost didn't feature this shot because it may appear 'gruesome' to some. So if you see the image and decide you don't want to read on, then don't.

*

This is Jasper's latest gift (this morning on the mat at the foot of the stairs). Powerful symbolism into which each person can/will/might read their own message(s).

It's rare that Jasper would eat the body of his prey (he normally doesn't even kill). What struck me about this particular catch (baby dove) is the parts of the body that he left: the Head and the Heart.

After my initial "Jasper!" ... I found myself marveling at the beauty of the small Heart in its visual perfection. So well preserved that I wouldn't have been surprised if it was still beating.

Artfully exposed ... the work of a masterful surgeon. What is the likelihood of a cat in hunting mode eating a bird in the dark and so cleanly and clearly leaving its delicate little source of life?

And the Head ... dark with dried saliva, but still somehow peaceful.

Head and Heart. Sometimes they 'battle' each other ... but one usually wins. (Guess which).

Wings ... He also left wings. Everything else was gone.

I buried the head, heart and wing in the upturned U shape of the horseshoe in the little garden in front of my bedroom window. In the image below, it's in the spot where these flowers once grew.

Mangez

Lettuce
Parsley
Tomatoes
Cashews coated in masala
Raw Celery-onion-sunflower patties
Raw sunflower-raisin-flax-garlic 'bread' ripped into little pieces and scattered amidst everything
Olive oil

Furry multipurpose office equipment

Brand name: Jasper

Papershredder

Paperweight

Palmistry

It makes me cry too

Some people who took the Sacred Journey at Mystic Intervention told me that they cried while or after doing it. One person (who had really taken his time moving slowly along the pathway), sat and had a long conversation with me after he did it, telling me in detail what he had felt and experienced. I really appreciated this. I love when people open up and say how they feel and what they've experienced on deeper levels. Sharing the places inside of each other that we don't see with the naked eye.

Only when he got to the end did he hurriedly mumble "and it made me cry too."

Now that it's all over and I have the labyrinth at home for myself, I 'walk' it by candlelight every morning after I do yoga.

The first time, I used the middle finger of my non-dominant (left) hand. The next time and thereafter, I used the ring finger of my left hand. Using the ring finger makes me feel committed to the journey, to all that is unfolding and to myself. In the language of mudras, it symbolizes Uranus, the Sun, Surya mudra - energy, health and intuition.

The last few times that I've 'walked' this clay labyrinth, I too have burst into tears. The first time was during the day. I was feeling scattered and I decided to 'centre myself' via the labyrinth. At one point along the twisting path, an unexpected burst of tears flew out from my guts. I felt it coming from my solar plexus. As soon as they flew out, I felt extremely relieved and thankful. It was a moment of surrender and of having no control whatsoever, yet knowing that all is well and that I am in good hands.

The tears diminished but lasted until I got to the centre (N.B. the rose quartz is no longer at the centre, so the centre is now a cosy, ridged, horse-shoe-shaped space). As I felt my finger slip into that comforting central embrace, all I could say was 'Thank You' over and over - really feeling it and meaning it. I felt grateful for the release I had experienced on the way there, grateful for the labyrinth itself and for 'Everything' ... even things I don't know yet.

This morning I 'walked' the lab with my eyes closed in the dark, sitting on my new pink yoga mat. As I got to the welcoming centre and my finger fitted in perfectly, the unexpected burst of tears erupted. They were accompanied by that same feeling of immense gratitude. The feeling of my finger fitting perfectly into the horse-shoe shaped embrace made me feel welcome ... the feeling of 'fitting in' ... fitting perfectly into something or somewhere and feeling great comfort and gratitude for it. It's not about an external place and it's not about external people - as much as we may like it to be so. It is about fitting perfectly into ourselves, whoever, whatever and however we are.

I love this part right here

This is my current favourite song ... the one I've been pumping on constant repeat for the past three days and nights now (i.e. no other song has come out of my speakers since Wednesday). It has pumped my body and fueled my energy over the past few days and nights as I've cleaned, cleared, dusted, wiped and charged my lightness, clarity, direction, focus and determination.

Some may scoff at the song and the video because it's "the Pussycat Dolls" and they're seemingly all about glamour, explicit posing and 'poppy' factory music. I can't say I really know their other music, but I've always liked the original version of this song - the voice, the melody and how it all comes together. Whenever it comes on the radio, I turn it up. I even find the lyrics aren't too bad.

It is a 'break-up' song ... but listening beyond that specific context, it also carries a wider message. I guess it's how you look at it. I see it 'beyond the surface' as being aware at a point in time of something important that needs to be done, not being able to put it aside or 'linger' any more in old energy and finding the determination to make the new happen.

As she says at the end: "I gotta do it."

Spec's specs

I've got a new perspective on life

The other day I was on the computer for extra long periods of time over a period of days and my eyes started to hurt and feel strained. I decided to go and get them tested, thinking maybe I should get glasses to help ease my eyes for computer use. The eye test determined that I have 20/20 long distance vision - but I require a +1 prescription for close reading. The optician recommended progressives.

I then discovered that for some reason my laptop screen was turned up at its brightest. No wonder my eyes had been hurting. I turned down the screen, reduced computer time to get some eye rest and in a day or two my eyes were feeling normal again.

When the glasses were ready, the man at the optician's called me and said: "Your specs are ready for you." (Funny, since "Spec" is what my friends call me).

So ... I now have my first ever pair of 'specs'. I went for simple red frames. They're light, comfortable and don't look or feel alien. In fact, I like them. But because I can still read without them and therefore don't really need them ... I keep forgetting that I have them.

The few times I've worn them to try them out (like now as I write this), I've realised that they will take some getting used to. Being progressives, only a certain part of the lenses are the +1 prescription. I have to keep tilting my head or shifting the 'specs' up and down my nose bridge in order to find the +1 part.

I guess I'll use them as the optician suggested - when reading for a long time or on the computer for extended periods, so as not to overwork the eyes.

Sunflower Power to the Rescue

Samantha Rochard's piece for Mystic Intervention was The Moon Tree ... a tree containing little gifts bags of seeds and a small candle. Each kind of seed had its own meaning (e.g. I got Sunflower seeds, representing 'recognition of achievements'). The idea was for the 'giftee' to devise and perform a personal ritual while planting his or her seeds ... and to subsequently nurture them, thereby nurturing the promise inherent in the seeds.

Yesterday, from the moment I woke up, I was focused and absorbed, busy cleaning and clearing, throwing away, playing some good music in the background as I did so. I was feeling purposeful, happy about lightening up the energy, about the feeling of clearing space and getting rid of 'old', excited about new things to come and that "Life is good ..."

Then at one point, around 3 p.m., I stopped, sat down ... and suddenly started to feel very low in energy. Everything within me dropped and I just sat there. My sense of focus and purpose quickly turned to disillusionment, apathy and doubt as I slipped into the 'What am I doing with my life? Does any of what I do make sense? Why do I do it?" mode that I sometimes slip into after I've poured a significant amount of energy into a project that leaves me empty after, with nothing visible or tangible to show for it ... but yet with a great intangible, energetic feeling. In other words, the kinds of projects that I really love doing and would happily absorb myself in, that come from the heart and spirit, that really touch and move people and myself in the process ... but which don't (yet) seem to translate into the 'real world' of buying material necessities and paying bills ...

After a few minutes of pensive moping, I suddenly remembered the little yellow bag with the candle and Sunflower seeds ...
I immediately got up, went outside with it, found an empty pot, filled it with rich soil (the same soil I used for Melanie the Miracle Melon) and planted the three seeds.

The three seeds ... and one little piece of something that looks like it belonged with them.

Making a hole for the last seed

I placed the pot in the little garden outside of my bedroom window, close to Melanie.
Then went indoors and placed the candle from the little gift bag in this small candle holder on the bookshelf in my new clean, light space.

Doing this activity, I felt my energy shift. Even though so small an act, I felt that something big had happened. At the very least, it distracted me from my own mind. Now as I sit here writing this, I know that the doubt, disillusionment and apathy I was feeling in that moment yesterday were caused by me projecting ahead of 'the now' (Desirée, if you're reading this, I dropped that link in for you) and worrying about what I really don't need to worry about.

In the moment of worrying about bills or buying things do I actually have to pay a bill or buy anything?

No.

So why worry about it?